Dance with enthusiasm when nobody else is dancing. At dinner parties, shout "Come on everyone! Be the first to hit the floor at weddings, pre-empting the bride and groom. Insist on starting a conga in the pub. It'll be cute the first time. And then it really won't be. Even better if you can manage it , during. Have a good old sob.
The first time, she will hold you tight and murmur loving words. The second time, she'll ask nervously, "Are you all right? The third time, you'll wake up to find her packing. It's an astonishingly effective tack for making yourself unattractive. Of course, if you're short of money then this won't work; you'd simply be showing a sensible approach to finances. Undercut this by purchasing yourself expensive designer clothes and a lot of computer games.
Whatever you do, don't listen to her. When she's talking about something important, simply tune out. Respond inappropriately to show you're not paying attention: On the phone, make sure to tap audibly at an email while she's speaking. Face to face, don't be afraid to actually wander out of the room in the middle of a conversation, as though you assume she's finished. If she's tearful, be sympathetic - while simultaneously checking your iPhone for football scores. This behaviour will soon drive her into the arms of a kinder and more attentive man, whom she doesn't fancy as much as you but likes better.
If you think you can drive a woman away by being nasty to her friends, guess again. She hates her friends. The ruder you are to them, the more she'll adore you. As for making bitchy remarks about them on the way home, you may as well engrave your name on her heart in gold. Instead, take the opposite tack. Bond excessively with the friends. Send them funny emails. If she's away for the weekend, hang out with them and watch DVDs.
Ring them "just to say hi". She'll tell you how delighted she is that you all get on. Then she'll dump you and tell the friends they must never speak to you again. On social occasions with people she knows less well, be a bore. I don't mean be quiet: No, speak up as often and extensively as possible. Tell dull anecdotes, recount stories about people whom nobody has met. Really hold the floor. She will soon realize that you are social death. You must also take care to be a tremendous bore when the two of you are alone.
The key to this is voicing opinions that everybody holds, but as though your insight is new and special. Find long-winded ways of saying that the Lib Dems have sold out, the weather's always bad on bank holidays or the world's too dependent on technology.
Don't just mention these ideas in passing, really spell them out, ideally while she's watching a favourite TV programme or reading a book. This will soon persuade her that she desperately needs you to leave.
Take a lot of long, luxuriant baths. There's something weirdly annoying about men who take a lot of long baths. Don't listen to the cricket at the same time, as this is masculine and attractive. Instead, fill the bath with bubbles. Put candles around it.
Make satisfied umming noises. Before getting in, use the phrase, "I'm just going for a soak in the tub. She'll be sad, sorry and puzzled - she genuinely won't know why. But you and I will know it's the baths. They've got to her subconscious. Always drink too much. Don't stop until you're staggering, slurring and slightly embarrassing yourself.
In bed, paw at her incompetently and belch at key moments. Then fall asleep, sweating lager and snoring loudly. She'll dump you in time to get your liver back into shape. Be lame and weedy on all matters related to your diet and health. Go vegan, then insist you won't eat carrots, mushrooms or any kind of salad because you don't like them. Develop a wheat allergy. Groan "I feel faint! Then try bravely eating a piece of toast, and take to your bed for days with a "bread hangover".
Take a keen interest in her diet. Don't be overtly bossy or critical as it's far more annoying to be subtle. Simply say, "Oh, are you having that? When you're in a restaurant, suggest she has the fish. Ask to sample her pudding, then cram most of it onto the spoon and swallow it whole.
Remember not to be openly insulting: Instead, keep it cutesy and infuriating. Thus, she will retain her confidence and shed only you. If you want to speed up the process, refer to her playfully as "Mrs Wobble-Bottom". Actually, any nickname will do. Anything twee and fluffy should kill off the sexual aspect of your relationship and turn you neatly into friends.
Friends who slightly despise each other. As for her given name, mispronounce it at all times. Same goes for her wardrobe: Beg to go shopping every Saturday. You're not looking for sexy outfits, quite the opposite.
Say things like "This would be marvellous for work" when you see a foul beige skirt suit, then hold it up to her neck and swivel her towards the mirror. Run your fingers lovingly over fabrics, look for matching shoes, and discuss sleeve lengths carefully with the shop assistant. When she dumps you, rather than explain it all in detail, she may just tell her friends that she caught you jerking off over a copy of Attitude.
But you're okay with that, right? You're a modern guy. If your fussy diet isn't putting her off quick enough, introduce some physical activity. I don't mean team sports. I mean spinning and aerobics classes where you're the only man there. I mean roller-skating in the park, amongst kids 20 years younger than you, announcing as you skate that you're "strengthening up the trunk". I mean riding an old-fashioned ladies' bicycle, kitted out from head to toe in protective day-glo clothing, wobbling slightly as you ride.
You can go to the gym if you want, but only in a Borat-style mankini teamed with socks. Freak her out with your cultural tastes.
Then, just as she decides you're a harmless yet lovable moron, get interested in Nick Griffin. Acquire some of the literature. Go to the odd meeting "just to see". Suddenly, you're the wrong sort of moron: Or, if she seems to like you more for your new sympathies, you can chuck her by text without feeling guilty. Sit her down, tell her kindly and respectfully that she's wonderful but the relationship isn't working for you. Talk it through for as long as she wants. Hold her if she cries.
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